when you said today that suicide was an option
When I was in middle school, I never went. I failed 6th grade. My father died when I was seven, and it really screwed up the gears in my head, so much that I made myself sick from going. My mother wasn’t around, so I lived with my grandmother for some time.
I knew I was different. I felt like I could never fit in with the other kids. It never left my mind, and it made me terrified to be around them. I believed I didn’t belong, here or anywhere, and that the other kids felt the same way. Everything that once seemed familiar began to slip away; everything that I enjoyed only left reminders how things are different now. They didn’t mean the same thing like when I was younger, my games and television shows, my books and friendships. They didn’t mean anything.
Sometimes, it’s impossible to swallow how alone we can really be, and it comes out instead in pain. Pain in your chest from being rejected. Pain in your head from worry. The way I got out of going back to school was chronic stomach pains, gagging into a toilet bowl until something measly came back up. Eventually, doctors evaluated my condition and discovered it wasn’t all in my imagination: the pain seeped into stress-ulcers and my body responded. This pain: it cripples your mind like a runner with a broken leg. It’s real. It’s important.
The pain will never really vanish, but it gets easier as we learn how to carry it. Some choose to live with their chronic pain; some choose to end it. You will always have that choice, like I have that choice, every day, when we wake up: Can I go onward?
This fear shows itself like a skyscraper in flames, and I’m racing the fire to the top with nowhere else to go. Do I burn into ash from the heat or jump from the building to the far ground below? Burning to death would be slower, more painful, but I might be saved. To jump would be to give up on hope.
I choose to carry the weight and give this pain meaning, for nobody’s benefit but my own.
Let me know whenever you are ready to talk, if you want to talk at all. Remember, despite how isolated you may feel, we are all in this together, for better or worse.